Saturday, July 22, 2006
I was an undergraduate, I think, when all these deaths took place and in all but one case, I was too scared to even return home for the funerals. Did I feel ashamed? Did I fear that their closeness to death might somehow allow them to see into my soul, see my anguish and my terrible gender secret? To say the least, I regret this cowardice every day - a regret at least on a par (and perhaps intermixed) with not having the courage to face my transsexuality earlier in my life. I guess I've always had an overwhelming fear of death, far beyond even the fear we all instinctively carry of that great unknown. I have always felt completely out of place when dealing with even the hint of death in real life. Afraid to get too near it else I contract it's foul odor myself, I suppose. When our family cat died, when I was I think in junior high, and I discovered her stiff, motionless body in the basement, felled in the prime of her life by some toxin or chemical that perhaps I had lazily left out, I couldn't deal with it and I stayed as far away from that body as I could until my parents arrived home from work hours later.
I witnessed both my once stout, ex-military, working class grandfathers sucked dry by cancer and lengthy hospital stays; reduced to still-proud, but bent-over stick figures engulfed by the smell of decay. But in the end, I fled them and their obvious need for love, back to the illusory safety of college and constant drinking, unable to give either of them or their grieving wives or my parents and relatives even the barest of support. To this day, I still have little clue as to my selfish reasoning or thoughts then. I was a self-absorbed brat struggling with my blossoming realization that I was "different" back then and I acted instinctually to escape an uncomfortable situation I suppose. And the worst part is I showed so little regard for how this must have affected my grandparents; to see one of their beloved grandchildren flee from them in their greatest time of need.
These days (and for at least the last decade) my deceased grandparents often drift in and out of my dreams and nightmares. Like in life, they say little and walk around with stern faces, like noiseless, shuffling demons, as I flail about in shame and self-disgust and fear inside the memory-faded facsimiles of their once familiar spartan homes. I wander their labyrithine rooms in hazy dawning horror at the complete emptiness and silence around me. I am completely lost and in need of their forgiveness perhaps, but still, after all these years, unable to really talk to them; to truly embrace them. I still fear them, fear their judgement. I was a coward, confused, selfish, alone; the silences, mostly my doing, but not always, always seemed to take a little of our lives away when we were together. So I fled like the mangy dog I often felt I was.
I'm sorry for everything, please forgive me...
Friday, July 21, 2006
- Homeland Security Spies on Student Anti-War Groups - how much of our tax dollars do you suppose is being wasted by our government on this nonsense? Who's next up for surveillance, your grandparents local bridge club, where one lady made the mistake of calling our king,...er, el presidente, an expletive?...
- Arrest, Death Threats, for Farmer with Upside Down Flag - next up for arrest and harassment - boy scout who places his left hand instead of his right against his heart during the pledge of allegiance?...
- NYC Police want to regulate even small, sidewalk protests - last I recall, the sidewalks were public property - the authorities have no right to regulate (and by default, squash), peaceful, spontaneous free speech or rights to assemble and address grievances...
- The Color of "Transparency" Is Black - while Bush touts our "transparent" system of government and his administrations sham-efforts to police itself, the very concept of transparency is disappearing right before our eyes. The ever expanding cloak of national security (and with it the stench of bullshit coming from government talking heads) keeps getting thicker...
- Good overview of all the current government actions that suppress civil liberties
Of course, there have been a few bright beams of positive action on the news front: conservative-proposed discriminatory law against immigrants has at least been put off, N. Carolina's ban on unmarried cohabitation was deemed unconstitutional, the anti-gay constitutional amendment was soundly defeated, and efforts to resist our growing surveillance society is growing by the day. Uggghhhh, still - this entry is NOT helping my negative outlook today!
ps: for you perceptive JC fans out there - yes, a part of this entry title is lifted from the lyrics of his excellent cover of the already brilliantly melancholy Bonnie "Prince" Billy song, "I See a Darkness."
Thank the gods I have the next week off!!! Nothing but beach and beers and kayaking for me and Emmitt for 7 days. Wish my woman was gonna be there to share it with, but I guess life can't always work out that perfectly, can it? See ya on the other side...
Thursday, July 20, 2006
While I love my job and know it will be hard to replicate the great aspects of it elsewhere, there simply is little administrative support for the librarians - we are treated like 2nd class citizens in many ways - our pay scale is atrocious and there is little room for advancement. My boss isn't going anywhere and so there is no where for me to go professionally. Of course it almost goes without saying that starting a new job where my co-workers only know me as a woman is very appealing too. There is also the issue of my house. Were I to move south, I would have to either sell or rent out my house.
Then there is the issue of geography. While I love the countryside, I find myself more and more craving the diversity of experiences and entertainment options of city life. Can I adapt back to all-paved environs and bars on the windows? Can Jenn be happy up here in the boonies, with the bugs and no Broadway? She is originally a Maine girl, so it's nothing she hasn't experienced before, but she is also a city girl at heart and being up here would limit her ability to partake in some of her favorite activities, like the Hedwig shadowcast troupe and going to Broadway plays. On the other hand, I sense that she is sick of the cramped and dirty living and the roaches and the noisy neighbors hanging out on the stoop outside her window until all hours of the night. She isn't really an outdoorsy girl, but I think I can show her, over time, some of the beauty and peace you encounter when communing with nature in the right way; she has already shown me lots of the hidden beauty of the city.
So in the effort to be together, Jenn has been applying to hospital dietician jobs up here and I have been applying to library jobs in the NYC metro area. I still hope to hear about the one perfect job I applied for and Jenn actually has an interview up here very soon. Things, as usual are moving rapidly and in slow-motion at the same time. I want her here sleeping beside me every night right now, but I also realize that living together is a big step and should not be rushed. Jenn has never done so, and my one excursion down the cohabitation road quickly devolved into unmitigated disaster years ago. So while I am completely confident that this will work out, there is that fear lingering in the very back of my mind sometimes that what happened to my past relationship (coincidently with a girl also named Jenn) so many years ago might happen again. But then I realize I am a completely different person and the circumstances are different. I am more mature and confident and more in touch with what I want in life. Money is not so much a dominant and divisive factor and the secret of my gender no longer poses a barrier. And most importantly perhaps, this relationship feels stronger and far more solid to me than all my past relationships put together.
No matter where we end up geographically, I feel we can achieve a satisfying balance together, through roadtrips and creativity, between those desirable parts of the countryside and those of the city. Things are really starting to gel and hopefully I will soon be spending each night cuddling with the woman I love more than anything in this world. And that, my friends, can never be a bad thing...
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Truly fertile Music, the only kind that will move us, that we shall truly
appreciate, will be a Music conducive to Dream, which banishes all reason and
analysis. One must not wish first to understand and then to feel. Art does not
-Albert Camus (1913-1960)
Monday, July 17, 2006
The next day, after spending some quality time with my better half lounging at home, and then meeting my bestest sista Aelis in Manhatten and sipping Smirnoff Ice drinks in Union Square, I dressed up as Hedwig for the costume contest. Again, staff was short, so after the clip of John Cameron Mitchell's new film, Short Bus, the costume contest, and a Q&A session with John, I needed to head back to the little room to handle the lights. But in the meantime, I won the costume contest and received a signed copy of the original Hedwig play script. Very cool. Of course, it helped that I was the only one who had dressed up. I mean I would have won regardless :-), but still, it would have been better with some competition. The night previous, there had been like 4-5 contestants! Oh well - was very cool sitting next to John as he showed his film clip and then being up on stage with him briefly. John is a very very cool and gracious and funny guy.
Anyways, here are a couple pics from that night with my film counterpart/soulmate/girlfriend - doesn't she look absolutely super cool? Actually, I think she was just completely exhausted by saturday night, but she is a trooper and makes a very sexy Yitzhak. Hope you like...
ps: also caught "A Scanner Darkly" today - excellent Linklater film based on the brilliant Philip K. Dick psychdelic sci-fi book. Weird movie, but well done.
Friday, July 14, 2006
- The Delicate Balance that is my Ballsack: ttp://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/176368889.html
- Yu know what, kegel muscles? fuck you: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/149933680.html
- You Rule, Vietnamese Waxer Lady: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/142248974.html
If you'd like to get more informed and involved, check out these sites as a good starting point:
Apollo Alliance: http://www.apolloalliance.org/
Peace and harmony,
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
To celebrate, Jenn and I got tattoos this past weekend, followed by rollerskating and go-karts. She satisfied her Hedwig and the Angry Inch obsession (for now) by getting the gender ying-yang tattoo that Hedwig sports in the movie and that is featured in the movie's animation, along with the words "Origin of Love" in greek lettering along it's lower edge. I got this on my left shoulder, just above the chinese symbols I got a few weeks ago:
This is a custom tribal version of the Black Rabbit of Inlè that I created, from the book and animated movie, Watership Down, perhaps my favorite book of all time. I wanted it to have that primal and alive cave painting feel and I think it achieves that perfectly.
I think I may be developing an ink addiction...
Monday, July 03, 2006
Freedom is not an ideal, it is not even a protection, if it means nothing more than freedom to stagnate, to live without dreams, to have no greater aim than a second car and another television set.
-Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)
Sunday, July 02, 2006