Saturday, March 20, 2010

Juggling Foci

My computer crib
Yep, still here! I've been thinking a lot lately about addictions. Not in the strictly negative medical or psychological sense, but more in the sense of focus and lack of or need for variety and change. After all, we all have "addictions" of one kind or another, whether it takes the form of eating certain foods, watching television, gossiping, working out or just plain working, clothes shopping (shoes!!!), or even something as innocuous as needing air-conditioning to feel comfortable, or using only a certain brand of toothpaste or shampoo. In some cases this is due to comfort; we know what works or what feels good, so we stick with it. Fear of the unknown obviously plays into this as well.

I have, to a good degree, an addictive personality. At the same time I have always had a strong drive for variety. This plays out, for example, in my video game "focus." I love playing video games, but tend to fairly quickly  get bored with any one game, usually long before beating it.

As a result I often feel torn between these often conflicting personality traits.

This sense is also being played out in my mind with the whole trans thing. Bear with me on this - I am not, nor ever will be going stealth or turning my back on my own community. But on one hand, for the most part recently, I've been pursuing my life as a librarian without much focus on my trans-ness. It's been somewhat comfortable and has been my focus. On the other, I totally miss (and perhaps need?) that close sense of community I feel most acutely when more active in the TG community; when I have regular contact with friends in the community, fractured though that community may be.

Of course, my still lingering social shyness/ineptitude plays into this. As does my inability to juggle/maintain too many social conversations at once. My focus on my career is slowly paying off and my contacts within the wonderful library community are growing and have been very rewarding. I guess I'm saying I want that same sense of belonging and purpose from the equally wonderful TG community. But I know the only way I'll get it is by shifting my focus and going out and seeking and maintaining those connections. I'm going to try, but please don't judge me if I'm slow in doing it. Change comes naturally, but slowly, for me.