We are now in day 14 of the last official cease fire in the hormone wars. Since the 'mones can cause blood complications, I had to cease taking all of them (as well as most aspirin or related medicines) starting Jan. 2nd; 3 weeks before my surgery date. I am most definately feeling the effects, although the symptoms are very hard to describe and they vary wildly, sometimes hour to hour.
Mostly I feel detached. Not exactly numb, but apart from my body, like the real me is floating around inside this weird, robotic body and I am only receiving shitty AM mono reception about what's going on on the outside. This has then led into the realm of self-doubt, especially about how I look and dress. I'm seeing darker hairs on my face and arms and a deeper voice where once not so long ago I was able to deal with those mostly unwanted but inevitable aspects of my life. And while it is true that since the spiro is a diuretic (I'm sure I've misspelled that, but it basically means it increases the processing and excretion of water and salts) and I have undergone some subtle physical alterations (more distinct bags under the eyes in the morning, fatter ankles and a general feeling of being bloated), in reality I know most of these things haven't really changed much if at all in these 2 long weeks.
On the other side of the battlefield lie the emotional effects. My sex drive has turned schizophrenic. Previously I was horny pretty much 24/7; turned on by the lightest touch (or thought) of my girlfriend or the slightest hint of a sex scene on "The L Word." Now it's more like some bratty kid has the remote and is constantly flipping through a selection of familiar but somehow more intensely programmed channels at breakneck speeds. One second I'm fucking burning up and needing to be fucked and dominated and the next I feel like my skin is crawling and I want to tear a rip in space-time and be in Montreal fucking now, goddammit, NOW! and the moment after that I feel (to steal a line from those masters of Nirvana-esque rock, STP) completely dead and bloated and unable to concentrate on anything.
But luckily those rapid rollercoasters of the mind are always stopped dead in their tracks when I look into Jenn's slate-blue eyes or feel her arms around me as we spoon-doze in bed. Everything else falls away at those moments and there is nothing else that matters. I have found my soulmate and she hers and all is right and true in the universe. And knowing that a major step in my transition is about to be taken, one that was literally unthinkable for the first thirty-odd years of my life, at least until I somehow saw the light only 3 short years ago, helps too! :-)
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