Saturday, February 26, 2005

Throwing out the outtake films, installing an intake valve

Serious crash in self-confidence earlier today. I didn’t mind not winning the contest because I definitely didn’t deserve to win, but just generally miserable with a cold stuck in the cold depths of upstate winter with a broken water pump and no way to wash off my makeup. Disappointed in myself for not having my act more together to at least deserve the compliments of kind friends and acquaintances. It almost hurts more because I know I could have done better. Sometimes it seems like all I am is a taped together ball of shallow smiles and shallow platitudes and clueless questions. Fucking no cash, no sexual identity, no soul-mate, lots of hair-trigger roadside bombs around me – seemingly no time at this time for examining and enjoying the here and now.

But I survive still on a baseline diet of hope and wonderment at the vagaries of daily life and the knowledge that a new moment, a new discovery, a new emotional me is right around the corner. The lazy falling downy snow, the soft snore of my doggie sacked out on the bathroom tiles, and the smiles and friendly banter of the ladies at the hardware store as I return for the third charmed time to get that last toilet part I didn’t think I needed the last two trips there today – just a couple examples of the power of simple pleasures…

Friday, February 25, 2005

physical side of femininity

It's become abundantly clear to me in the last few days, as I futilely attempt to inject some feminine sensuality and fluidity of movement into my upcoming debut drag contest lip-synch routine, that I have a steep hill to climb. I know I can look damn good (and am proud of that fact). However acting, moving and talking like a woman is a whole different ballgame. It is not easy to block out 30 years of instinctual reactions and impulses. Men just don't normally move smoothly (unless you're a dancer or other kind of performance artist, which I am decidedly not). Men tend to move in violent jerks and starts, almost as if they never got over all the gawkiness of teen growth spurts and acne-induced shyness.

Having said all that, I have seen some slight improvements in this arena. Simply getting out in public and especially out on the dance floor and letting loose, not caring how I look has helped, as has some useful pointers and constructive criticism from friends. My voice still remains a major obstacle, but I have purchased an insturctional CD that seems well designed and will go forward with that as time allows.

On other physical fronts:
-breasts: there are definately noticeable little female nubs there now! Another couple months and I'll be ready for a training bra! Growth here has been better than I expected. They are far more sensitive to touching and kneading as well, which is cool...
-skin: mine has become softer and more sensative. It helps that I take fairly good care of it as well - moisturizing twice a day and using gentle ex-foliant showel gel instead of soapy stuff.
-hair: hair growth seems to have slowed slightly, especially in areas that I shave but that didn't have a lot of growth to begin with. And some of the hairs seem to be getting a bit lighter as well. My scalp hair even seems to be a little fuller, but I can't be certain that's attributable to the hormones or just better haircare. I still need to start laser or electrolysis - that will be very soon and I can't wait until I no longer have to shave my face!!!
-scalp line: I did have some very very slow receding going on and its still too early to tell if that has stopped. It's also probably too late for me to ever have a completely natural looking feminine hair line in front, but we'll see. Besides, wearing wigs and being able to switch styles and colors at the drop of a hat is super-fun!
-waist: regular, targeted exercise has done most of the work here I think, although I seem to notice a very slight redistribution of mass from there to my hips and buttocks. Again, can't be sure.
-height: I'm sure this isn't due to hormones or any other physical change, but many moons ago I wanted to be taller and more masculine and so I just started telling myself and others I was. But I am now officially 5'8" tall instead! I was a bit shocked when the physician's assistant told me that, but of course, shorter is usually better if you want to pass as female, so that news was certainly not unwelcome.
-facial structure: I have a hard time judging this, and the fact that I've lost about 10-15 pounds over the last year has had an effect. Still, a couple of my friends have noted that my face (especially if compared to pics of me from past years in boy mode) has softened some. I am still a bit skeptical at this point though...

So all in all, things on the outward side are proceeding at a good pace and keeping up with my mental progress! Still many, many things I want to change or improve, like removing those annoying bottom ribs, getting a very slight fill-out of my lips, perhaps having my adam's apple shaved down, and of course getting breast augmentation...wanna help fund this massive resurfacing project?....

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Docs, probes, 'rents: more steps toward balance

I told my parents almost everything last night (on my birthday!). About my transsexualism and about my bi-sexuality. They were definitely taken aback by it, but in the end after a bit of serious conversation and sharing of emotions, I think they came around to pledging support for me - they are so awesome and caring. Along the way they explained how hard it is for them to imagine (or deal with mentally) the idea of me being anything but their son.

They also told me of the guilt they still feel (not necessarily for my transsexualism but for the fact that they didn't recognize it a lot sooner and so might have helped me deal with it sooner). I guess I never realized how much guilt they were feeling about this. I had stressed to them that none of it was their fault previously, but I guess they had been faulting themselves for not knowing what was going through my mind all those years. I explained to them that we tgs are experts at hiding things, and that since I couldn't face it myself until recently there was really no way for them to know about it. Hopefully they understood and will not continue torturing themselves about what might have or might not have been...

I also invited them to my drag competition performance (my first ever!) this Friday at Club 22. They were a bit hesitant at first, but I think they may actually come. They've never seen me dressed in person by the way. I did show them some fuzzy print outs of some of my early (and ugly!) pics when I first revealed my dressing to them over a year ago. I think I can reasonably say that I've changed a bit since then. This friday should be a very interesting night, especially since my outfit for my lip-sync song is quite risque...

In other news, I have also started therapy and have talked to my primary physician about my transition plans and about already being on hormones and I have started the process of getting a referral to an endo to go on meds legally. I got my first prostate exam (again - on my birthday!!!) as well - if you've never experienced it it's a very fun experience...NOT!

Wish me luck this friday (I'll need it)!!!


Sunday, February 20, 2005

Montreal mayhem

Bonjour mon ami!

Montreal is soooo much fun! I went up there friday and got back today. It's only about a 3 hour drive from me (the closest big city). That was my first ever trip across the border. For those of you not aware, Montreal (and Quebec province as a whole) is primarily french-speaking, but fortunatley most people also speak some english. That was good because the 4 or 5 phrases I know in french would not have gotten me very far!
Friday was sort of slow, I went to Mado's - Montreal's premiere drag club, only two blocks from my hotel, which was very fortunate because it was goddamn freezing out!!! It wasn't very crowded, but the performances were awesome - a couple of the girls there were absolutely gorgeous and put on great shows. There were only a couple t-girls there unfortunately (lots of beautiful women tho!) so I danced for a while, chatted with one t-girl and then went back home around 2am reeling a bit from drinking too many high alcohol content beers.

On saturday I had a quick solo lunch (en femme) at a nearby eatery and then met up with my newest, bestest trans-sister Jessica (she is from Ottawa but goes into Montreal most weekends). She was kind enough to offer to show me the night-life and introduce me to some of her t-girl friends. Not only is she amazingly beautiful, but she knows how to party as well!

We started out going to this little cafe down the street from Mado's where a local t-girl support group was having a meeting. I met a few very cool and friendly girls there (and special thanks to Linda for translating some of the banter for me!). Jessica is friends with a couple of them and wanted to say hi before we hit the club. After downing a delicious bowl of poutine (a delicious gourmet mix of fries, gravy and cheese curds - tastes a lot better than it sounds and it blows away any fries and gravy dish in the US), we went to Mado's again and it was almost a totally different place! It was mobbed and there was actually a line to get in. Gradually, a whole gaggle of t-girls and gg's who are part of the regular gang showed up (a few from the meeting at the cafe as well) and I got to meet all of them - they are such happy, friendly and nice people! They really made me feel welcome (especially when they all kept telling me how beautiful I looked :-).

Before, between and after the performances (they were basically the same ones as the night before, which worked out great because it allowed me to talk to all the girls while that was going on) we all danced our heads off. The DJ was really good that night as well - they played some awesome music - very upbeat and fast but danceable (for an hack like myself especially!). We closed the club down at 3 am (at which point I was finally getting used to the traditional kisses to both cheeks goodbye) and a couple of us headed back to the cafe for a quick bite to eat. On the way we met up with some cool gg's who seemed amazed (and a little pissed off) that Jess and I looked so good (despite the fact that for most of the night at the club my lipstick looked like a total meltdown disaster due to a completely sensual and mind-blowing encounter, the details of which shall remain private).

At the cafe the conversations were going a hundred miles an hour in french (wow they talk fast!!!) but luckily people were kind enough to translate enough for me (and vice versa because a couple of the girls did not speak english at all) so that I could follow a lot of it and partake in some of it. The Canadians are so animated and energetic - it's really refreshing. Anyways, we stayed there for about 2 hours and didn't get back to the hotel until around 5 am. I managed to get to sleep around 7 am and woke three hours later for a continental breakfast delivered to the door and to get packed and checked out by noon.

I'm sure I've left out some important details of the trip, but I'm only working on 3 hours of sleep at this juncture so you'll have to use your imagination to dictate the rest...

Thanks again to the stunning Jessica for taking me under her wing for a night - you rule babe! And special props to everyone else I met up there and who were so nice, including the only other first-language english speaker I met, the lovely Valerie. I will definately be heading back up there in a month or three for more fun and frolicing...

ps: select pics of the weekend will soon be posted in my Yahoo groups and Geocities page.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

wearing black in the great white north

Well, kids, I'm off to Montreal for the weekend to freeze my little tushy off (and hopefully get in some clubbing and sightseeing in between) - don't wreck the house while mommy's gone, ok? :-)

Sunday, February 13, 2005

technical over-analysis of a new orgasmic sensation

I think I felt an inkling of what a female orgasm can feel like last night! Although admittedly I have little to reference it against...After about an hour of flirtatious and playfully fun foreplay and cuddling, I was on the receiving end of some oral and having my nipples gently massaged. The pleasure built slowly and then I got really flushed and had perma-smile and a few little moments of pure joy shot up through my whole body and I couldn't stop myself from releasing a couple short outbursts of joyous laughter! I'm not sure if that laughter was just my remaining male self reacting the only way it knew how to the strange sensations or what... These feelings were so subtly amazing and new - they literally took my breath away for a couple secs there and I'm actually getting little shivers of residual pleasure right now just thinking about it!

Have I rubbed your face in my own pleasure enough yet? Good! I like a glutton for punishment...

I mean, it was nothing super-focused and intense like a traditional male orgasm, but actually better than that in my mind. The sensations felt so right within me, so warm and freeing...

If I wasn't a devout hedonistic atheist, I'd almost feel like getting down on my knees and offering a prayer to the kind gods of good fortune (that dwell within us all if we only knew how to harness ourselves efficiently) that have allowed me to explore this beautiful path I've been travelling for the last year. I know this route will not be littered with pretty roses and sunny days the whole way, but that's ok too (I lived briefly in inland CA - sunny days every day is bor-ing!!!). Perhaps I'll devise a sacrificial offering (on the altar of conquered fears?) of my remaining manhood to appease these sometimes fickle powers....hahahahaha!

Friday, February 11, 2005

GOP six-point political strategy playbook (Rove's ruses)

I don't claim to have any deep understanding of the long-term plans of the right wingers in this country, and I especially don't understand their motivations, but here is what I perceive their basic political strategy is, based on what I know about their actions and policies over the past several years:

  1. Use hand-picked agents and pundits (who have been well-trained in #s 2-5 below) to propose overreaching right-wing policy goals on purpose so that smaller moves or policy decisions favoring right-wing interests seem moderate and reasonable to most, even if it is against the economic interests of the voting public: a whole litany of these types of moves: judicial nominees, tax breaks for the wealthy, missile defense, the environment, "multinational force," the terrrists hate freedom....
  2. Make sure EVERYONE on the team is using the exact same simple language of blacks and whites, and hammering their messages home with precision and unending repetition: we're good and moral, THEY are evil and immoral; if you're not with us, you're with the terrorists; there is no doubt that Iraq has WMD; we can drill in ANWAR without causing ecological damage; Abu Ghraib was just a couple of bad apples; Kerry is a flip-flopper; social security is in crisis and must be fixed immediately; personal accounts will solve social security...If you say these falsehoods enough, especially through the mass media, you can get enough people to believe it, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
  3. Never, never admit to wrongdoing, regret or indecision: the old "deny, deny, deny": "I barely knew Kenny boy..."
  4. Always make sure there is a mysterious, external bogeyman/bad guy front and center in the media to distract the public from questioning policies, especially those that consolidate your hold on power: they are masters at characterizing anyone they disagree with as terrorists, especially the Islamic extremists, while at the same time they are busy pushing their own right-wing extremism into the farthest corners of American policy and society. The most recent examples in order from newest to olderst: Iran's mullahs, Zarqawi, Hussein, bin Laden, Clinton...
  5. Use fear, national security and war as a weapon of intimidation and stifling of dissent - use the cover and inherent divisiveness of moral outrage over social issues to galvanize people's fears and push elitist economic and political policies designed to consolidate power: gay marriage; stem cell research; abortion; gun rights; evolution; school prayer - all used to distract us from questioning: new torture ethics (or lack thereof); preemptive strikes; gutting of environmental and consumer protection regulations; rising violence and death tolls in Iraq; patently false claims about WMD; tax breaks that only help the already rich; elimination of entitlement programs that help the poor and middle classes, etc....
  6. Always come up with a catchy title or label for initiatives that infer the exact opposite of their actual result or intention: Clear Skies Act; Healthy Forests Initiative; PATRIOT Act; Mutlinational forces and Coalition of the Willing; Compassionate Conservatism; ownership society; Leave No Child Behind...

This stuff is right out of classic political and power scheming tomes such as Machiavelli, Sun Tzu, Carl von Clausewitz, and even Plato's The Republic...

Monday, February 07, 2005

the ups and downs of hormone therapy...

While my "manliness" sexual factor is experiencing a general downward trend, my general energy and mood levels, and sexual activity have seen some periods of frantic activity lately. I came into this expecting the mood swings, but surprisingly, I don't feel like I've really had too many down dips, which is fine with me. Actually, I have been solidly, ecstatically happy for a while now and I think it is having a positive effect on how people react to me and how events unfold around me. My self-confidence and contentedness are at all-time highs and events and opportunities now available seem to be reflecting that. I am happy at work (most of the time, anyways!) and no longer dwelling that much on worrying about things I can't control. In other words, life is beautiful....

Recent sexual encounters have been awesomely new and fulfilling and exciting (thanks J and N! :-). And while I have had a hard time achieving traditional orgasm, that's actually ok. I guess I don't really need that aspect that often at this juncture. I am much more attracted to the sensual aspects of sex. Part of the reason for it may also be the newness of these experiences - the sensual and romantic playing field has shifted dramatically under my poor "little guy" and perhaps he is experiencing a little bit of overload and dysphoria...:-)

On a strictly physical note - my breasts continue to bud and before you know it (still a ways off tho) I may actually have to wear a bra everyday and no longer have a need (except when an outfit demands a fuller figure) for my falsies - yay!!!

Peace and pleasure to all...

Thursday, February 03, 2005

burning bush tribute... Posted by Hello

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

are we headed towards an American dictatorship?

Here's only the most recent reason why: Alberto Gonzales is set to become our next top law official (Attorney General). Not only did this right wing lawyer write and ok various torture memos and legal stances saying most forms of torture were ok and that the Geneva Convention sections forbidding torture, which protects citizens and soldiers from all countries, including our own, could be considered "quaint," but in his recent congressional hearings actually said it might be ok if the President were to ignore our laws if deemed necessary!

Think about this for a sec: he is saying that the president is above the law and that all that is required to ignore any inconvenient law is to invoke national security or executive power as deemed necessary. This is only a couple short steps away from an American dictatorship or monarchy! Hell, Bush has already ceded to himself the right to indefinately detain any citizen without access to legal protections if he so deems it. This is not an exaggeration.

This is almost EXACTLY how Julius Caesar and Augustus and their emperor successors brought an end to the long-established and previously robust democratic institutions of ancient Rome, which until that time and perhaps even since, was one of the greatest experiments is democracy in human history. Keep in mind that the Roman senate and other representative institutions (granted they were oligarchically based) did not suddenly cease to exist - they continued in an increasingly powerless, puppet-like manner for centuries. It was national security concerns (those pesky barbarians!), corruption, and the excesses of national power and pride that these brutal dictators used as a wedge to get these institutions and the people themselves to freely grant them dictatorial powers.

Does any of this have an eerily familiar, modern sound?.....

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

They had a "successful" election in 1967 in Vietnam too...

I know, the continued efforts by we liberals to equate current Iraq with the historical Vietnam is silly on some levels. But as the wise and witty Tom Tomorrow points out on his blog, this one is almost too right on target to be true, but unfortunately isn't.It's just sorta eerie. Check it out: