Serious crash in self-confidence earlier today. I didn’t mind not winning the contest because I definitely didn’t deserve to win, but just generally miserable with a cold stuck in the cold depths of upstate winter with a broken water pump and no way to wash off my makeup. Disappointed in myself for not having my act more together to at least deserve the compliments of kind friends and acquaintances. It almost hurts more because I know I could have done better. Sometimes it seems like all I am is a taped together ball of shallow smiles and shallow platitudes and clueless questions. Fucking no cash, no sexual identity, no soul-mate, lots of hair-trigger roadside bombs around me – seemingly no time at this time for examining and enjoying the here and now.
But I survive still on a baseline diet of hope and wonderment at the vagaries of daily life and the knowledge that a new moment, a new discovery, a new emotional me is right around the corner. The lazy falling downy snow, the soft snore of my doggie sacked out on the bathroom tiles, and the smiles and friendly banter of the ladies at the hardware store as I return for the third charmed time to get that last toilet part I didn’t think I needed the last two trips there today – just a couple examples of the power of simple pleasures…
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment