Ouch! I just realized I haven't posted on here is a while.
One thing I've been struggling a lot with lately is my often default sense of self-shame whenever my own or general transness comes out in discussion in non-LGBT spaces. Why the hell do I fall back on shame as an instinctual emotion in these situations? I'm getting better at suppressing that emotion and not letting it affect my actions, but it's still there, inside me.
This arose recently during a library conference I was attending and presenting at. Just prior to the remote keynote speaker, they played a video I guess promoting the reference service at one college using noir and trans themes. The female librarian was dressed as the male PI and a guy was dressed as the femme fatale. It wasn't that the gender expressions were intentionally humorous or mocking, but it got lots of laughs, which disturbed me at the time. Why should transgender expression automatically be a source of amusement? To me, that's a large part of the problem with getting trans equalities - we aren't taken seriously. On the other hand, I don't think the creator of the video did it intentionally (she was the trans protagonist in it), and it also perhaps made people think outside traditional gender roles, which is a good thing, right? At the time the video was showing, sitting amongst my librarian peers who were oblivious, I felt shame and annoyance, and was on the verge of crying. But why?
Is it some deep-buried self-loathing that goes beyond my transness? Is it a culturally and socially imprinted infection; teaching us from birth to punish and shun any and all "other-ness"? Is it a simple desire to "fit in"? My guess is it's probably a combination of all these and more, but who knows. I guess just being more aware of how I react can help me. What are your experiences and thoughts?
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6 comments:
I think that this situation is part of the reason why transfolk do not like drag queens.
I am guessing that most of the people at the conference who were viewing the video were not seeing the players as trans, they were viewing them as a drag queen and a drag king. In our society, drag performances are funny and I think that is why most people found this video amusing.
It is definitely something to think about. Drag queens/kings should be allowed to do their thing but at what cost to the trans community as a whole?
I can't speak to your reaction, because I just don't know you well enough for that. But I think sometimes (most of the time?) we get set in our own perspectives, and it's hard to see what others are seeing, or not seeing
I was one of the folks laughing like mad during that film. I thought it was just genuinely funny. It turned so many things inside out, love, courtship, librarianship... and it out-Shakespeared Shakespeare in its genderfuckedness! It was boy meets girl, wasn't it? Who was boy, who was girl, was love the people, the noir-ish style, the librarian's lust for searching out information and attraction to the search? The love of the quest, the line of a leg, the curve of an eyebrow...?
I tried to sort out the pieces and the players for a while after, but decided it was so tangled as to be an un-straighten-able thing of beauty.
But I'm really sorry that it made you uncomfortable.
Thanks to you both for your thoughts. To be clear - I thought, in retrospect, the video was fun and creative and in no way do I put any blame whatsoever on people for laughing - that was part of the intention of the video. And I don't think the characters were played in an intentionally "drag" kind of way. But unfortunately, when many people see nonconforming gender expression, the first association that pops into their mind is drag queens, which is then associated, of course, with humor. And for the record, I love and admire most drag artists. We need more laughter in this world!
My main concern is for myself, the way I reacted to it. I guess I'm trying to understand my own biases and shortcomings. Why did I feel uncomfortable in that situation? I certainly didn't want to nor did I need to. How can I overcome these seemingly instinctual reactions? Part of it is just getting my thoughts out there and getting a sanity check. Thanks!
I'm just guessing here, but it sounds to me like it would be natural for you to be uncomfortable in that situation. It sounds like trans is a big part of your identity, but that it isn't widely known amongst folks who were sitting in that auditorium (in which case, it is freaking you out that I read your blog. in that case, tell me, and I'll go away!).
Which makes it feel like hiding. Which might breed some sense of shame. Which is not the same as equating trans with shameful! just the feeling of hiding something. This may be a completely ignorant statement, but I wonder if there's a way to transform that from "hidden" to "secret", as in Secret Powers or Secret Weapon?
Because, and again this may be completely ignorant, but I'm guessing part of the point of going through the transgendering experience is for all of that to not be visible? It's not passing, or going in drag, it's actually transforming. Which becomes core to your identity, not something as visible to the rest of the world as hair color or body type?
I'll shut up now, but I just wanted to share the thought.
I'm perfectly fine with people knowing about me and reading this blog, so please don't go away! Your questions are fantastic and appreciated. Trans is a large part of my identity mostly because I've struggled with it my whole life, but it is in no way the only or even dominant part.
Your point about having a feeling of hiding something and that leading to shame is well stated.
Basically, I don't advertise that I'm trans, but I don't shy away from it either. If people ask, I'm eager to share as much about it as they are willing to listen to. But I also don't know how people will react (it makes some very uncomfortable to talk about), so I don't usually bring it up in casual conversation myself. And I think most people would be uncomfortable just asking me about it either since they don't know how to broach it or if they might say something wrong because they simply haven't been exposed to it before.
To be honest, I assume everyone who sees me (or especially, hears me) recognizes me as transgendered, but I could be wrong in that. My sometimes low self-esteem, especially in regards to my physical appearance, rearing it's ugly head again...
As far as the point of going through transition: the point in my mind is to have that facet of me not be a barrier. I don't hide who I am. I haven't undergone surgeries to augment my feminine appearance, like many of us do. I'm actually proud to be trans, same as I'm proud to be a librarian. But I also don't want being trans to be solely how people see me or judge me. It's a thin razor's edge to traverse, I think, especially for someone like me with mild social phobias. Obviously, I'm still figuring out how I fit in and how I relate to the world - but I'm getting there!
I am told that people laugh at what they dont understand. Well its that or there all evil lol
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