admitting your fear or shortcoming is the first step to overcoming it

Everyone has their own personal demons, myself as much as anyone. These demons always grow out of unresolved, unfaced fears. It is only by first acknowledging the fear and then recognizing its source that we can truly be free of its always negative impact on our self, on our happiness, on our freedom to act.

My primary demon used to be the typical one for a crossdresser: having people know about it! People would think I was a freak, they would reject me, blah, blah, blah. It was only when I realized that these fears were based on what others might think of me and had nothing to do with what I wanted that I was able to overcome them. My fear had driven most relationships away anyways, so all that was left to face was myself. I first had to accept myself as a crossdresser and then that confidence in myself would be felt by those who I met and they would accept me for what i was.

Well I am here to tell you it worked! My parent and close friends fully accepted it when I told them and have been supportive. I am also now free of the fear of sharing too much of myself so that the secret would be let out. I am far more happier and confident than I have ever been.

My new fear is that of sexuality and money (there is always the fear of not having money, isn't there?) I guess. I am seriously contemplating (more and more everyday) going on hormones, getting breast augmentation, plastic surgery and transitioning to a full-time woman. The physical changes don't bother me at all - I really don't think I'll miss my little one-eyed monster at all. And even the mental changes - the mood swings that come with radical changes in hormonal chemistry, etc. don't faze me. What scares me is sexuality. Right now I am not attracted to men at all. However, what would these hormones do to that - would I inevitably become attracted to men? Would so radically changing my body chemistry, not to mention my physical appearance, change who I fundamentally am? I've seen an ex-girlfriend go onto anti-depressives and as a result she turned into what I perceived as a very changed person. And finally, how the hell will I pay for all these hormones, electrolysis, therapy sessions, surgery, etc.?

The main point is that I am beginning to tackle these fears by examining what the underlying fears are behind them: money and self. I am actively talking to other girls who have gone or are going though the transition process and most of my fears are unfounded - most i talk to say the emotional/mental process, while certainly a roller-coater of moods is in a way wonderful - a full-on introduction to being a woman. As for the money, as my friend likes to say - the key is to truly know/see yourself as a woman, as successful with the money to pay for what you want, and the rest will work itself out - it will be attracted to your life when you are in harmony with your desires. In past years I used to scoff at such metaphysical, self-help advice, but I am coming to more and more believe it: the power of the self is unending...