yo-yo brain twister

The last couple weeks have been filled with major events/decisions/news on several fronts and right now I'm feeling like an emotional yo-yo: going back and forth between joy and sadness/anger, between depression and buoyant elation. Here's an update:

Relationship:
Things have been going swimmingly well between Jenn and I. We are coming up on our one year anniversary and I think I love her even more than when we were in the midst of our puppy love stage about 6 months ago. But the love is now deeper and more mature and stable. Like any relationship we still have issues and differences, but I am confident that regardless of those, we will both work to resolve them or accept them. In the past, this was usually a point in my relationships where doubt set in and I would (unconsciously for the most part) do things to exacerbate those differences and issues and hence give me an excuse to bail. No more. Love is once more a beautiful and exciting thing in my life. YAY! This has been and continues to be a source of strength and grounding for me and I am so grateful to have found my soulmate.

Job:
As recently as a few weeks ago I was being told by my boss that the final ok for my requested transfer to one of our college's offices in the NYC metro area (so as to be with my soulmate) was "probable." Last friday, she told me that this was no longer the case. She gave me a battery of excuses for this (office politics, the vagaries of the emotional state of higher-up managers, blah, blah, blah), , most prominent being that one of her bosses had since changed their mind on the matter and that even if the transfer was approved, it might not be permanent. I may be dense, but this clearly sounds like someone is determined that 1) the transfer not happen and or 2) I quit.

The worst part is that I feel totally raped and lied to. For 3.5 years I have busted my ass there for a far below average salary and I think contributed greatly to a large portion of the advances we have made in the library. When I made the request about 6 months ago my boss said we'll see and so I gently kept pushing the issue and eventually she broached the issue with her bosses. I had provided a cogent and logical argument for why the transfer was a win-win situation and had as recently as a couple weeks ago been told that the higher-ups were behind the idea. At the time we were short-handed and looking to hire 2 new librarians. Since then we hired those people and I did the vast majority of their training. No that I'm a bit more expendable, they conveniently decide to yank out my heart and effectively take this dream away from me.

I feel like I've been the target of an elaborate long grift - the old bait and switch: dangle some vague but sparkly goodies in front of the mark's face to distract her while they pilfer and rape her hopes and dreams. I feel betrayed. I love my job - and I have never before in my life felt that way about any job I have previously held, let alone after a couple years in. But now it seems like they only told me what I wanted to hear until I could get the new people up to speed and then all of a sudden I'm disposable. And I am fucking very good at what I do too. I could certainly excel at a different institution, but I am unsure I'll be able to duplicate the great things about this job anywhere else: variety, freedom, some creativity, flexible hours, generous benefits, and just the right mix of tech and traditional duties to keep me happy. The pay isn't great, but then again I didn't get into this profession with the expectation of becoming a millionaire. So for now I will persevere and keep pressing my case and continue to look for other jobs out there.

This has been eating at me for the last couple days, and I mean this crap is literally gnawing on my stomach lining and whipping up all kinds of muffled gurgling and creaking sounds from under my blouse. I may never understand how people can so blatantly and convincingly lie. Today I am feeling really taken advantage of (and not in a good way:-) and under appreciated. I have been a fucking overflowing volcano of disgust and anger about this until yesterday.

Surgery:
Yesterday I received a one page letter from my health care provider informing me (I think, since it is in medical-legalese) that my request for coverage of my upcoming surgery had been approved!!! For the full amount!!! WOW! This was not something I was expecting at all and yet here it was. So it turns out I may not have to put myself on the brink of bankruptcy and even deeper debt to pay for this procedure. I am in shock to be honest and now almost totally on cloud nine.

But, truth be told, I think I would sacrifice the insurance coverage if I could instead be with my girl on a daily basis. Certainly I haven't given up on us coming together geographically, it's just that that plan may have to be put off for a little while longer than anticipated. I have no doubt that we'll find a solution together - just wish it didn't have to take so long!