past tense penance

I am going to preface this post by stating categorically that this is not meant to be any sort of relationship self-help or advice thing for others - I am no more qualified for that than any other shmo off the street - it's merely a contemplation and analysis of my own circumstances...

I've been examining all the relationships I've had in the past lately in the desire to avoid the pitfalls and destructive patterns I exhibited that may have played a part in dooming those relationships. My current relationship certainly feels far stronger and deeper than any I experienced previously, and I intend to do everything I can to keep it that way.

Having the dark shadow of my "gender secret" no longer hanging menacingly over me changes the dynamics radically. The thick walls I had to put up in the past to protect that secret are no longer there and I believe Jenn fully accepts and loves me for who I am, not what I am. And I believe this circumstance has also allowed me to fully accept Jenn into my heart and being, something I never felt I could do in the past. And I know I've said this before and I also know that it sounds somewhat self-helpish in an annoyingly smug way, but I believe you can only truly accept someone else into your heart after you've accepted yourself.

It's the ideals of truth and self-acceptance at its root. I'm no longer afraid of exposing my weaknesses and faults (and I have many) to her and I hope she feels the same way. There is something absolutely freeing and exhilarating in letting someone through that door we all normally keep tightly locked that hides our nasty habits and short-comings and irrational fears. So, for instance, while I still fight strenuously to keep the farts away from our more intimate moments, I'm no longer mortified when they do occasionally slip through. And I'm actually proud to show off my "still-under-construction-and-normally-self-conscious" body to her (lol!). And I will try my best to share my darkest fears with her (funny - I just remembered that was a conversation we had just the other night!).

I have also in the past had a habit (as I think most of us instinctively do) to start taking for granted parts of the relationship once it reaches a certain age. For example, common aspects to drop out of a relationship or at least diminish after a while are the romance and the sex. While Jenn and I are still too early along for that to even come into play, I will try and keep this in mind and fight hard to always keep those and all aspects of our relationship fresh and creative. And my guess is that it can often just be a little gesture or action or word that can help with this, if done on a regular basis, and if made from the heart.

I've also had an inclination in the past to avoid conflict or argument at any cost, often to the detriment of communication and resulting in the building up of resentment on both sides. This one may be the hardest for me to overcome since I believe it is hardwired into our brains and nervous systems to avoid decisions which will result in pain. Up to now, I've been a master of this behavior; keeping all my feelings bottled up inside. It's what my family has practiced almost religiously for as long as I can remember. Again, Jenn and I are not far enough along for this to have arisen between us yet (and we're also I think comfortable enough with each other already to share our feelings) though. Hopefully acknowledging this potential problem will help me identify it going forward. No one seeks out conflict (not if they are sane), but I think sharing all your thoughts and concerns with your partner is essential to a healthy, trusting relationship and easing any potential tensions before they grow into actual problems.

So that's my confession for today, padre. Now just say a couple hail mary's and tell me what my penance is. Sorry, this last part was just a vestige of my mostly forgotten catholic past bubbling up with the rest of my distant and mostly better left forgotten past. It's usually hard to escape your past and your upbringing - but not impossible as the life of any relatively happy transsexual can attest to.