gender breakout

I've been doing a lot of soul searching/thinking/reading lately in an attempt to better understand my own post-operative gender identity. Before the surgery, this was relatively easy: In my mind I was simply a pre-operative male-to-female transsexual and really didn't have the time or energy or context to think beyond the surgery or the confining nature of those labels. I think on some subconscious level I had a naïve and vague hope/desire that I might simply become a "woman" afterwards and start life as a "normal" lesbian.

The reality has been very different and I've come to the conclusion that I don't really want to be normal, and in fact I couldn't even pass for normal if I wanted to.

So I've been doing a bit of reading on alternative gender models and terminology (such as genderqueer, intergender, etc). I'm still in the process of absorbing some of this dense material and as yet have not come to any conclusion for myself except than I'm not "female" in the traditional sense, anymore than I was "male" in the traditional sense when I was born.

But the biggest breakthrough for me was realizing that I don't have to adhere to the shallow, confining nature of being male or female. Life can exist and be exhilarating and fulfilling in a social sense outside those "normal" gender expressions if you can break free somewhat from caring so much about what other people think, or how they see you. I'm still a work in progress in this respect, but I feel I'm heading in the right direction...