thoughts on doubt and regret

[this is a response I sent to a new online friend who is struggling with the meaning of her dressing desires and the decision to transition or not]

Just finished reading through your e-mail - thanks for sharing! I know it's not easy doing so; letting your guard down a bit. But none of us should have to go through these things alone and in a vacuum. While we all do have to make our own choices regarding our gender selves, that doesn't mean we can't share experiences so as to make better informed decisions. And I just realized today how much it has helped me clear some things in my own mind in chatting with you and sharing ideas and feelings. So thanks!

Anyways, as to what you talk and ask about (warning - my responses are long and opinionated and just that - my own opinions...lol!):

First the pics look great! Hon, believe me when I say you have nothing to worry about in the body department. I would kill to be as thin as you! And the make up and achieving a more natural look can only come with time - with experimenting with makeup and observing how other women do it and choosing your own look. Plus confidence, confidence, confidence!!! - nothing is better at projecting a femme look than being confident in yourself when dressed.

The bottom line is that all TS's, even the ones that transitioned before puberty, still get read sometimes. So what? You are on the right track in starting to not care about that. To me, when we worry and fret over how others perceive us, other people are more apt to sense that fear and to react accordingly. I have found that when I'm at my most confident mentally (in this respect, it matters little what I look like from a gender perspective as long as it looks like I am comfortable with myself), that is when people are able to look past how I look and get to see a glimpse of the real me and realize I'm a person with feelings and cares, joys and sorrows, just like them.

Stop looking to the past with regret about decisions made or not made - that path leads to depression (believe me when I say I've been down that road!), guaranteed - and that will only be an obstacle to getting what you desire. Some of us acted like girls when we were young, some of us didn't - we all expressed ourselves differently growing up - the important part is how you feel and express yourself today!

As far as the hormones and the decision to transition - that is something you need to decide for yourself. No one else can tell you how to live your life, period. If you're not fully confident that it's what you want, my advice is to keep searching, digging deeper until you do find what you want (just remember that while searching for this answer you can have fun and enjoy life along the way!); seek what will bring you happiness and peace in the here and now.

But also know that coming to terms with transitioning or not is not a panacea - it will most definitely not make all problems go away - people without this issue to deal with still have plenty of their own problems, right? - and it may create some new ones. Having the desire to dress in no way means you must or even should transition - they are 2 different things and we of the transgendered realms find happiness all along the continuum from admirer to occasional dresser to she-male to full blown transition. To me, the important part is that where we are in any moment is our own choice and not what we think others would want for us, etc.

Anyways, as you can see, I may have needed to vent a little and perhaps reinforce some of my own beliefs (venting in a self-reflective, inquisitive and positive way is good in my book!!!). Hope this helps just a little - and as always - feel free to ask me anything.

Hugs,

Dana

[ps: I owe a ton, as always, for some of the ideas above, to the acceptance, sage advice and positive outlook on life of my good friend Drew]