schizo-desire

I find myself torn between two sexual extremes (as usual) on several fronts lately and I wonder if there is a way to navigate the middle while at the same time enjoying the pleasures that the extremes usually have to offer.

The battle: gentle, sensuous, slow, intimate and sweet vs. rough [and no I don't (necessarily) mean physical harm as much as driven by a powerful, often intense but short-lived lust], impersonal but passionate, needy, kinky, hormonal and guttural. The rub is that what really gets me off emotionally is the former. And this type of sexual contact definitely feeds into pleasurable physical stimuli because the last two times I had an orgasm it was mostly slow and gentle touching that set it off and it didn't involve penetration. Plus these last few instances blew away in intensity and length any orgasm I ever experienced as a boy. But it seems that not having had penetrative sex in a very long time is wearing me down on some level, despite the fact that I can't get a functional erection, do not really like anal and have little if any desire to have random sexual encounters. Still, I sometimes find myself craving a more, how shall I say, experimental? instinctual? animal-like encounter. I just have no idea how that might happen, what form it would take and most importantly for my instant-gratification-addled mind - when!.

Can I remain a neutral, mediating figure in this epic siege for my body and soul? I think so. I certainly hope so. Until then I remain holed up (in self-exile?) in my remote castle, behind thick battlements and with attackers (or suitors?) harrying me from all sides, but stocked and ready for the long haul if that is what is needed to stay alive and win this war of pleasure-attrition.

I just realized in reading what I wrote that I used far too many military analogies for someone who abhors violence. Guess it's my old medieval history background rearing its oft-neglected head. But then again, all life is shackled to the cycles of destruction in order to thrive and procreate and I'm no different in my own way, so fuck it, right?

From the front lines of a for the moment idle battlefield I will bid you, my faithful reader, adieu (wow - I'm laying on the affected 19th century wordiness fucking heavy now! :-)

In peace and pleasure,

Dana