[originally posted on my Yahoo group] First, I want to thank everyone for reading and partaking in this humble little blog, which I realize is mostly an exercise in pure vanity for yours truly. However, I would also like this site to be more than that; more of an actual community that discusses issues and exchanges advice and experiences (lorded over by me with an iron hand, of course :-).
In that spirit, I pose a (rather lengthy - sorry!) philosophical question for whoever out there might like to discuss/comment:
As I (and I imagine each of us) deal with my own personal version of trangenderism in my own way, is it possible to peacefully mix past and present? In my case, I am struggling with what parts of my old self to discard or place distance between, and what parts to hold onto. I mostly have made choices so far by instinct; by what feels right and what doesn't, but I am unsure if those judgments have been tainted by my desire to fit in more - to be more of what is stereotypically considered a woman.
I do find the idea of severing many of the ties to my male past appealing; enabling me to more cleanly create myself anew and escape the labels of gender bigots. On the other hand, I don't want to act or think a certain way simply because of a desire to more closely adhere to some archaic set of socially conditioned beliefs about gender roles. I find these choices facing me every day - many are no brainers, but others pose murkier conundrums.
As a lesser example, I have been thinking lately about my relationship to sports. It's self-evident to me that for some sports that I did previously maintain some lesser interest in (golf, basketball, hockey), I no longer feel that interest. For others (baseball and football primarily), the (often testosterone-based) pleasure I gain from them is still strong. What I wonder mostly is if over time even my interest in baseball and football will fade, and if so whether this is a choice that is pure reason-based or influenced by hormones and or pervasive gender role stereotypes. And in the end if I do shed most of these past enjoyments, will there still be a kernel left over of the person that started this journey?
I am, of course, a strong proponent of free thought and making decisions as distanced from social pressures and fears as possible. So I find myself brought back to relying on instinct and an examination of my feelings when partaking and having no clearer understanding of why I make some of my choices. I realize much of this is pure speculative and unproductive overthinking, however, anyone have thoughts they want to share on this?
Dana
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4 comments:
Hi Dana remember me I'm the older girl with long gray hair you played pool with at club 22 back in april or may.I have found in my case I find my self growing farther away from what I use to like or just make belive I liked.I wood rether hang out with my friends wifes or girl friends than them.As far as sports I wouldn't even watch a football game anymore.I do love to watch womens golf or pool or girls playing basketball.Oh the hormons are wonderfull they have saved my life,don't rush into anything time is a great teacher.....julie
I stumbled upon your blog while clicking on Notes from the Underground. Anyway, you pose an interesting question: Are our traits determined by our biochemical condition? It brings us back to the nature vs. nurture debate. There's evidence that certain traits are hormonal (ie. larger muscles, deeper voice, and more body hair are related to elevate testosterone levels) but studies have also found a correlation between hormones and lifestyles. For instance, a study I learned of in psychology stated that people in highly competative jobs tended to have higher levels of testosterone, regardless of sex. So the question is formed: did the person choose that career because they had those high levels or did the competative atmosphere bring about the high levels? Either way, it relates to your situation. Surely you're receiving hormone therapy, which ups estrogen and lowers testosterone. Those traits that we consider inately masculine (ie intense appreciation of sports) may wane to a level that is more appropriate given the adjustment of your hormones. All right that's enough. I came looking for Dostoevsky, but still found an interesting topic.
I think you may have answered the question yourself, just follow your instinct. If you're sitting there watching a football game and you still really enjoy it then watch the game. I realize not everything you're going to deal with is going to be that simple, but maybe some things, like sports or a hobby can be. What happens over time, who knows? Will your interests change because of the hormones, or just a general loss of interest? In my opinion that dont matter one way or the other. Do the things that you enjoy, that make you happy, follow your instinct.
It is not unnatural for old interests to drop away and new ones take their place while we journey through life. That happens whether one is T or not.
Most of my old interests are still there (soccer, paintball, martial arts) while new ones have popped up (sewing, book clubs, etc).
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