As I enter the final stages of my "transition" I find myself somewhat at a loss for blog fodder to fill the gap that will be left by the absence of this formative stage in my life which has so dominated these pages the last few years. It's been a life-changing and mind-expanding journey, no doubt, but the question remains: what next now that I've achieved what not so long ago I considered an unconquerable dream?
Now I must face up to life without the safety-crutch of blaming things that seem wrong around and inside of me on the cruel fates for cursing me with the wrong body. That has for the most part been rectified to my satisfaction. Certainly there are scars left from this 30-odd year process, both physical and mental, that I will continue to struggle with and document on these pages.
I feel like I've crossed some major milestone in my life and the world before me has suddenly opened up beautifully like a flower in bloom; like I've been marching diligently down the middle of a valley my whole life and the two sides of that valley were what I thought was the whole world, but suddenly I find myself atop one side of that valley and I can see expanses of farmlands and towns and lakes for miles and miles beyond.
I realize that this is both scary and exciting. Possibilities and paths to explore have multiplied, but so has my understanding of all that I don't know, that I have yet to learn. Fear may creep in sometimes going forward, but overall this is a wonderful thing - I can move on with my life and find and achieve new goals. I feel like nothing can compare to the fears I somehow overcame as a shy, maladjusted, alcoholic boy who couldn't share any part of her secret dreams with anyone lest she become an outcast.
To this day I have no real idea how I overcame those paralyzing fears. I guess I was somehow able to realize that being a slave to those fears was worse than anything that could ever happen to me by fighting them. So I did and am here to tell anyone else out there like me that it can be done - even by a lazy, self-centered, self-immolating, irresponsible dreamer-dolt like me. But no one can force you to take those fateful steps into battle - you have to do that completely on your own and with enough self-confidence to sustain you for a long period of struggle and setbacks...now hop to it soldier!
Why, then the world ’s mine oyster,
Which I with sword will open.
-The Merry Wives of Windsor. Act ii. Sc. 2
Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt.
-Measure for Measure. Act i. Sc. 4. 5
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