- Antibacterial Soap: any cleaning product to which purportedly antibacterial chemicals have been added. These chemicals are thought to kill bacteria. They do not kill viruses, but they do kill skin cells at an accelerated rate. My hands have already tried to strangle me a couple times in the middle of the night in a desperate attempt to stop the constant onslaught of this evil, skin-cracking substance. When I got home from Montreal, I had to go out and buy about 8 gallons of this goo at walmart. I'll need to go back for more very soon.
- Dilating: gradual stretching and enlargement of a hollow structure or opening by the repeated (and repeated again and again) insertion of incrementally larger vaginal stents (see below) over time. This normally refers to childbirth, but even thinking about a woman's ability to pass a small bowling ball-sized object through there seems to me the most amazing feat of all time. Luckily for me on that count, my new plumbing does not give me that procreation option.
- Douching: the use of fluids to irrigate the vagina. In my case that involves the use of a cold vinegar and water solution via an uncomfortably contoured, re-used disposable douche bag twice a day.
- Sitz Bath: a 15 minute immersion via a small plastic tub allowing me to place my new plumbing in a few inches of warm, antibacterial-sudsy water twice a day so as to reduce the chance of infection. I call it "a demi-dousing of the derriere" in honor of its french origins.
- Vaginal Stents: a set of hard plastic tubes of varying diameters that are inserted into a hollow structure of the body to keep it open; i.e., my newly minted vaginal cavity. And no, it doesn't vibrate or even remotely give me any pleasure. At present (the quantity decreases slowly over time) I must jam 3 of these heavily-lubed torture devices into my body three times a day for 3, 5 and 15 minutes consecutively. Some days that seems to add up to like every waking moment - taken together with all of the above, it represents about 25 hours a day of hard labor...
Thank the gods I get to end 1,3 and 4 in about 2 weeks!
2 comments:
Yes .... but I'm sure you still think it's all been worthwile.
I've visiting your blog for quite a while now and really love your writing style. I have to employ all kinds of 'online stealth measures' to visit your blog due to the silly censorship imposed on us here in the UAE. One of these days when I'm finally back home in Toronto I won't need to do this. Keep up the good work. Kaye
Oh, without a doubt this procedure has saved my life! I would do all again without a moments hesitation if I had to (but that's as far as I want to explore that train of thought, thank you!). Thanks for the kind words and I wish you the best in your quest to get back to the great white north! Peace,
Dana
Post a Comment