do the limbo

I've been contemplating the concept of "middleness" a lot lately. In my view it's what makes life so wildly addictive and so maddenly unknowable at the same time. I've altered my definition of the term as a result: "to be as unconsciously comfortable and consciously aware of the chaos and the wonder of the world around us as possible without actually breaking apart with too many questions or too few ambitions."

A girl in my position (and ready to hear it), is everyday confronted with the enigma of grey shades; with the certainty of never being able to quite fit in. From my perspective, though, I look at that in a positive light; not being limited by the confines of the unimaginative mass mindset. Not able to be easily labeled or categorized (this was a hard one for me since I am a librarian, and we do like to categorize and organize).

At the same time, it is very hard and occasionally confusing living in this gender limbo, between the extremes of accepted societal definitions. Having already lived a lengthy life steeped in fear and lies and male overcompensation because I wanted to adhere to these false labels, I just don't want to wait or go through the proper channels in order to feel whole. I want my instant gender gratification now, dammit! A part of me is chafed by the fact that we have to jump through so many legal and medical hoops to achieve balance and peace. It's my fucking body, my fucking mind...

And yet another part of me is glad these automatic brakes on impulsive action are there. They are there for valid mental and physical health reasons. That certainly doesn't make waiting any easier though! I have certainly flirted with the upper limit for safe dosages of hormones, although I have not suffered any discernible major ill effects and just recently got a clean bill of health from my doctor (and yes - she knows about the hormones). Still, I have just yesterday decided to cut back my estrogen intake by 2 mg, mostly in the hope that it will ease my food cravings a little as well as ease the impact on my purse!

But back to the concept of "middleness." I'm not a religious girl by any stretch, if fact you could say my general slant is anti-organized religion. But of all the religious sects I have read a little about (or experienced, in the case of Catholicism), Buddhism seems the best fit for me, if I were to start believing in some greater controlling power (which I don't at present). But I have nothing against religions in theory (it is always in we humans' implementation that things turn to shit) and in fact I think there are probably very powerful and useful nuggets of information contained in all of them, even for a heathen like me :-)

It was the idea of the "middle path" that first caught my eye. In the words of the Buddha: "the middle path...avoiding the extremes, gives vision and knowledge and leads to calm, realization, enlightenment, and Nirvana." [http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/buddhism/bud_lt11.htm].That's as deep into religious thought as I want to go today, but what this made me think about is how in most, but not all cases, extremes of belief and extremes of action lead to negative outcomes.

Having said that, it sometimes takes extreme beliefs and actions (at least from the perspective of someone looking in from the outside) to break away from the confines of the unimaginative mass mindset I mentioned earlier. I want to be as close as possible to the middle space between extremes on average, but never directly in that space (and unable to get out!), and I strive to be willing to radically swerve away from that nebulous line when necessary to achieve my goals.

Beyond all that chaos, ambition and swerving however - because where you are on that continuum will constantly change, is the most important thing in my mind: relish, explore, interact with and smile at as much of this wondrous scenery around us as possible...