her mind seemed to shatter right in front of us

Preface: this describes a recent incident involving Alzheimer's in detail. It is meant as a discussion and self-discovery tool mostly for myself, but also as a tribute to my grandmother in the only way I know how at the moment...

My grandmother wanted to take us all out to dinner and she chose a new, somewhat fancy local joint. The restaurant itself was a major letdown. Not only was the place dead (it was the middle of the week in winter) and they still had all the tables packed like sardines, but they were also out of two of their main dishes (my grandmothers first 2 choices and my first choice as well!). That just isn't a good thing when you only have a dozen or so entrees to choose from. On top of that they screwed up my grandmother's order, sending out mussels instead of scallops! The dish I did finally get, pork chops, was excellent though. But this isn't about the restaurant, it's about my grandmother...

A little background on my grandmother: she is on my mom's side, had 4 children, was the wife of a long-time airforce colonel and professional poker player. She came from very rural Minnesota, but has lived all over the world, following my grandfather's stations in such places as Texas, Thailand and Germany. My grandfather, her husband of 50+ years died in 1991 and then her dearest, eldest son died only a couple years later. They were both fighters (my uncle was in the marines) and that was how they approached their deaths in my view - never giving in to despair and never loosing their grip on life until the very end. She took those deaths very, very hard, but she comes from tough rural stock and so has been able to keep on.

She is now 83 years old. In recent years she has lost most of her balance and upright motor ability and relies on a helping hand or a cane to get around in slow-motion most of the time. But she still, despite the family's best efforts to dissuade her, occassionally drives her car around the neighborhood. She got in a fender-bender a few months ago and never told us until several weeks after it happened! Amazingly, she did not lose her license. I think her car represents the last thing she can cling to to stave off the growing sense of helplessness and isolation thats comes with aging. She is most certainly a proud woman, but also the most loving and caring woman, besides perhaps my mom, I know. I think she really dreads having to go into a nursing home and losing the last threads of communication with her family.

I met her at her apartment beforehand and had a beer while she downed some scotch and water. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but that was probably the catalyst that caused the whole thing. We met my parents soon thereafter and we went over to the restaurant. All was going well, despite the menu snafus.

Then, just before the apps were served, my grandmother started mumbling a bit, which isn't unusual when she drinks or is tired. But then I think her grip on reality sort of snapped. She all of a sudden thought we were in the middle of a hearts card game! It took a couple times for it to sink in for us, but she was saying she had led with a spade and was waiting for the next person (me) to follow suit...

We futilely tried to explain that we were in a restaurant and getting ready to eat, but nothing sank in at that time. When the apps came, she kept asking the same questions over and over; "what's that" pointing to the salmon toast in front of me or the other items in front of us all. And strangley enough she ate everything in front of her (granted the place had small portions). Normally, she eats very little, just nibbling at her food. Now however, she was eating the large scallops whole (we kept trying to tell her to cut them in half!). But she was eating at half speed, as if every for every movement she had to think about it, will it for a second.

She seemed in her own little world, suddenly and without warning cut off from the honed instincts, balance and knowledge that comes with living and aging in this world. We talked in a low tone among ourselves about what was happening, how this was by far the worst we had ever seen her, and what to do about it. My advice was to just play along as best we could and try to enjoy the meal, which we ended up doing. There was nothing to be done about it at that moment, so no use stressing about it, right?

Anyways, as we were leaving she started coming out of it, which was a relief to us all. I just wonder and worry about the struggle that must be going on in her mind - a fight to the death for control between the person built up over 80+ years of life experience, and the tabula rasa demon that is Alzheimer's. I don't normally pray (I don't believe in organized religion, but I do not discount the existence of some kind of superior being or beings), but I found myself comforted in the knowledge that my grandmother could at least meet this deadly enemy with dignity and pride in how she has lived her life and with the help of those of us around her who love her dearly.