a caved-in upper lip and the effects of spacetime progression

It finally hit me the other day just how old and fragile my grandmother really is now; how the passage of time and the relentless weight of gravity have in effect beaten and cowed a strong, proud person into submission. She had, as she periodically does, made me some of her delicious goulash and I stopped by on my lunch hour for a game of gin and to pick up the free goodies. The difference this time was that for the first time ever in front of me, she did not have her upper dentures in.

As a result, her upper lip was indented sharply into her gums and it completely changed the tone and way she talked. In addition, her facial skin was more wrinkled than I'd ever remember seeing it, even though I had seen her only a couple days before. Combine that with the continuing degeneration of her ability to stand upright and it made her suddenly appear to be a hundred years old and on the verge of death.

I do not think she fears death by any means. From my perspective she asks nothing more than to live out the rest of her life in dignity and respect and as much independence as possible. I suspect, in the end, this is all most of us will ever want. I didn't start this entry with the thought of dwelling on such a morbid topic, but now here it is. The thought of losing her, my last remaining grandparent, is heartwrenching. This is made more pressing because I can see now, in retrospect, that in the past when my relatives have faced and passed through into death, I did everything in my power to avoid thinking about it, to avoid coming into contact with it.

As a result, I was never there to give them my love or support at I time when they obviously could have used it. Instead, in my self-centered youth, I foolishly spurned these strange people from a distant generation that from my view would never understand me. The regret of those past actions, far more than any other in my life, succeeds in getting to me sometimes; creeping into my dreams, my nightmares even.

But I do my best not to dwell on past (or future) events that cannot be changed or known. Instead I look to the NOW; to what I can do for those like my grandmother who are still in this world. I only hope up I'm up to the challenge...