I will never, ever understand how any parent could ever turn their back on their own child for any reason short of mass murder or something equivalent, let alone due to something as innocuous as sexual orientation, appearance or lifestyle. Why can't people learn to accept what is different from themselves? Why must they always project a "them" or "evil" status on anyone not exactly like themselves. Is it pride? Is it fear? Is it ignorance? Is it self-hatred? I guess I may never understand, although I suspect it is a complex mixture of all those and more.
But I do know it is hard, especially for older generations, to accept change or to free themselves from the social fears of being seen as different, since in times past to be different was to be automatically ostracized and isolated by a close-knit local community. Unlike so many other girls like myself, I know I have been truly blessed to have understanding and love-me-no-matter-what parents. However, the pervasiveness of this reality for all of us hit me in the face about a week ago when I was out at a restaurant with my parents and grandmother (on my mom's birthday no less) and an acquaintance of my dad, a bigwig in the community I guess, stopped by our table. My dad then proceeded to identify his "wife," "mother-in-law" and then just froze and didn't identify my relation to him; just said, "and this is...Dana." I was silently crushed for a while by that probably instinctual reaction on his part, especially since for the most part he has been more open and loving with me since I have been "Dana" around him. And perhaps that episode played a small part in my recent mild depression, I don't know. Upon reflection though, I think he probably regretted it and it was an involuntary reaction on his part; a socially conditioned defense mechanism.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that each parent of children like us (or for that matter any child unjustly deemed as "abnormal'' by the community) must come to grips with these things in their own terms; on their own timetable. In general, they have more deeply ingrained social conditionings to deal with than we of the younger generations. While events do sometimes require us to forcibly bring these issues to the surface of a smothering environment of denial, in the long run I believe the best strategy may be to meet that resistance with patient, steady, firm, positive, and personal love in return. Some may consider that idea utopian or naive, I know, but I believe that may be the only way to truly fight against the insidious power of social conformity and bigotry that we're all, unfortunately, born into...
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3 comments:
Hey Dana, Jenna here. I just read and post and thought, maybe your dad didn't want to make you feel awkward if he referred to you as a 'son' while calling you a 'daughter' might have seemed odd to him. I know that his reaction was probably just as, if not more telling than the words themselves but I think that this might be a fairly benign incident. At least, it could be. Take care, J
hey dana. My mom knew I was ts from the time I was 4. I told her many times I was different. When I turned 16 she threw me out on christmas day and never talked to me again.
valentina
It's especially hard for parents. They've seen you and raised you and had such expectations of you in one gender that it is insanely traumatic to shake their world in this way.
The sad thing is that they think it is a choice, rather than a condition we face. No one asks for GID, yet they'll never understand that.
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